Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The horrible truth about Cliff Bleszinski

I am an employee at Epic Megagames. I do not work on anything directly related to Cliff Bleszinski, but somewhere around that area. Long story short, everything you think you know about "Cliffy B" is a lie. He is hopelessly addicted to Hostess Fruit Pies and it is ruining his life. Why did COG not allow women to fight even though it would take embryos 12 years to be fightin' fit and it makes more sense in the short term to have as many soldiers as possible on the front lines? Not because of any chauvinism or lack of foresight, but strictly because the dude running the show was eating upwards of 20 lemon flavored Hostess Fruit Pies EVERY DAY while both Gears of War and GOW 2 were in development.

Why the sudden appearance of ladies in GOW3? It's not a reaction to HALO: Reach, or fan demand, it's just because the dude's brain is wired differently since he switched to Cherry Flavor Hostess Fruit Pies. I just can't keep quiet about working under these conditions any more though. It's like, who knows what will happen to this company if he gets back on the Apple flavor kick again and suddenly decides to re-make Jazz Jackrabbit? I weep for the current generation, were that to happen. Now, I know I haven't offered any solid evidence but check this out: google the name "Cliff Bleszinski", now with those results up, start typing in "hostess f" and it will auto suggest hostess fruit pies, just as it does for Cliffy B, cause the dude loves 'em so much.

A lot of us have sensed something from the beginning too, I mean, during UT development he was LITERALLY bouncing off the walls, which is the inspiration behind that move by the way, but as far as I know only a few other people have noticed the piles of empty wax paper wrappers tucked away in Cliff Bleszinski's closet. I just hope he kicks this habit, because ingesting that much sugar in a day is probably worse for a 35 year old than still being saddled by the nickname "Cliffy B".

13 comments:

  1. I laughed the whole read. I'd pay money to see him jump dodge.

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  2. I second that. 5 bucks I would pay, gladly.

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  3. I.... what?
    They come in cherry flavor now?

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  4. As an ex-Hostess employee, I can corroborate Anonymouse's story (and no, I'm not a viral marketer for Little Debbie) - Epic's main offices provided for 43% of our orders nationwide, though he's got the facts severely bent.

    Up until April of '09, Epic was hoarding Cherry Flavor Hostess Fruit Pies like nobody's business until a top exec in the Irving office (let's just call him 'Cheesecake Danish') started getting frantic calls from a 919 area code rambling about how the Fruit Pies were filled with 'weaksauce' and should be 'richer, better and more tasty-ass.'

    The calls continued for about a week until a production officer (who we'll call 'Raspberry Toothache') reached out to PR and made the connection through Epic's official channels - poor Cliffy had been crunching late late late into the night, and in a cherry-flavored fever haze of debugging and scripting dialog for GoW3 on expired milk cartons, mistook the customer service number on the back of our treats for Mark Rein's secret 'emergency snack supply' phone line.

    Apologies were made, and this is when the alliance began - a secret deal between Hostess and Epic (informally, the 'Epic Hostess Megacake Project') that would produce the doomed Frag Cakes line, flavored with a crimson carmelized toffee made to simulate the unique texture of freshly-stomped Locust tissue matter.

    The cakes were a disaster, costing the company 720$ million in research and development and causing hundreds of focus group testers to swear off solid food of any kind for weeks.

    I'm telling you, if you think making games is a rough business, the synthetic convenience snack treat industry will eat you alive - no pun intended.

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  5. p-anana Oh man. I lol'd so hard. THANK YOU.

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  6. Well i would be in for a remake of Jazz Jackrabbit

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  7. Awesome meme. I bet if Cliffy B saw this, he'd laugh his balls off.

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  8. +1 for Jazz Jackrabbit remake! With a Hostess Fruit-Pies gun!

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  9. @taurean actually he linked it on his twitter account, and seemed to find it funny. Just shows how impaired his judgement has become due to all those fruit pies.

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  10. I believe this, because I have a story too. My indie game dev studio made finalist in the 2010 Independent Games Festival. As such, we had a kiosk at the IGF pavilion at GDC.

    Cliffy B was kind enough to come over and give the game a go. Despite never having played it before, he picked it up immediately, and was quite good at it.

    Little did I know that he was just after us for our pies. I turned around to chat briefly with another conferencegoer, and when I turned back, Cliff was gone. I checked our pie stores: zero.

    Hmm.

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  11. +1 for the Jazz remake or completion of Jazz 3D

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