Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The horrible truth about Cliff Bleszinski

I am an employee at Epic Megagames. I do not work on anything directly related to Cliff Bleszinski, but somewhere around that area. Long story short, everything you think you know about "Cliffy B" is a lie. He is hopelessly addicted to Hostess Fruit Pies and it is ruining his life. Why did COG not allow women to fight even though it would take embryos 12 years to be fightin' fit and it makes more sense in the short term to have as many soldiers as possible on the front lines? Not because of any chauvinism or lack of foresight, but strictly because the dude running the show was eating upwards of 20 lemon flavored Hostess Fruit Pies EVERY DAY while both Gears of War and GOW 2 were in development.

Why the sudden appearance of ladies in GOW3? It's not a reaction to HALO: Reach, or fan demand, it's just because the dude's brain is wired differently since he switched to Cherry Flavor Hostess Fruit Pies. I just can't keep quiet about working under these conditions any more though. It's like, who knows what will happen to this company if he gets back on the Apple flavor kick again and suddenly decides to re-make Jazz Jackrabbit? I weep for the current generation, were that to happen. Now, I know I haven't offered any solid evidence but check this out: google the name "Cliff Bleszinski", now with those results up, start typing in "hostess f" and it will auto suggest hostess fruit pies, just as it does for Cliffy B, cause the dude loves 'em so much.

A lot of us have sensed something from the beginning too, I mean, during UT development he was LITERALLY bouncing off the walls, which is the inspiration behind that move by the way, but as far as I know only a few other people have noticed the piles of empty wax paper wrappers tucked away in Cliff Bleszinski's closet. I just hope he kicks this habit, because ingesting that much sugar in a day is probably worse for a 35 year old than still being saddled by the nickname "Cliffy B".